Make lists and assess relationships

You can start with a ‘subscription fee assessment’ where you take stock of relationships with costs that exceed their value. Identify the energy vampires in your life (especially high-conflict people), those who make you feel as though you’re walking on eggshells, and people who require a lot of emotional labor, leaving you feeling drained.

Next, make a savior list—this will work on the part of you that always wants to save others and be overly generous with them. Put yourself at the top of the list, and include reasons you might give, with clear boundaries in place. Be specific about what your limits are in how you contribute and help others. 

Practice radical self-awareness

You don’t need to be perfect, but you do need to create a distinction between an automatic response and a conscious choice. Begin by practicing the basics of emotional regulation: pause and reconnect with yourself, and try to recognize when you get triggered. When you do, you can ask yourself three questions to get to the bottom of the emotional response. Where have I felt this way in the past? Why does this dynamic feel familiar? Who does this person remind me of?

Try practical grounding techniques

Take three slow, deep breaths as a way to reset your nervous system. You can also explore other breathing methods such as box breathing or the 4-7-8 method. Make a deep humming sound to activate the vagus nerve and self-soothe. Practice aromatherapy, breathing in scents that calm you, whether that’s nature, some lavender sprigs or essential oils, or even your pet!

Practice sitting with discomfort without trying to fix it right away

Personal growth is painful but necessary, and taking small steps to practice self-awareness will only help you feel more liberated in the end, even if it does take time to grieve the hyper-vigilant codependent you once were.