Breakups are messy, confusing, and hurtful, and they can make you feel a little crazy. You find yourself replaying old conversations in your head, wondering if you could’ve done something differently or maybe changed the outcome. You think you feel fine one minute, and then you’re breaking down the next. We’ve all been there. But none of those feelings categorize you as crazy—not even a little. I spoke to a clinical psychologist to confirm it. Psychologists say these experiences are not only normal but part of how we process emotional loss when we’re learning how to move on after a breakup.
The end of a relationship can feel disorienting and devastating, but it also opens up a world of opportunity for personal reflection, healing, and growth. With that in mind, I asked Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist and relationship expert at Hily Dating App, to explain why it’s so hard, but more importantly, how to move forward with confidence after a relationship ends. Ahead, Dr. Sabrina Romanoff’s answers, plus so much more insight into the psychology behind breakups.
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a relationship expert at Hily Dating App and a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist. Based in New York City, she specializes in helping individuals and couples navigate anxiety, trauma, and the complexities of modern dating. Her work focuses on building healthier connections, managing relationship stress, and fostering more fulfilling romantic lives.
Why is it so hard to move on after a breakup?
Breakups are overwhelming, to say the least. Not only do you lose the person, but you also lose all the things that came along with your partnership. Shared trust, good memories, a sense of safety, and the possibility of a future all disappear. According to Dr. Romanoff, “Breakups activate the same neural pathways as physical pain,” meaning that all-consuming, visceral heartache is very real. When you’re deeply bonded with your partner, you can even feel symptoms of withdrawal. “Your brain is coming off the dopamine and oxytocin highs that were tied to that relationship,” she explains. Intense emotions after a breakup are a sign of that deep bond, and it’s important to recognize that to move through it.
How long does it take to move on after a breakup?
Moving on from a breakup looks different for everyone. Some people might move on rather quickly, while others struggle for months or even years. But Dr. Romanoff explains that this has nothing to do with strength. “It reflects what the relationship represented for you psychologically,” she adds. Many factors play into how you might move on from a breakup, but Romanoff shares that the main factors are your attachment style and how much of your identity was intertwined in the relationship. For example, a person with an insecure attachment style (who might have used the relationship to fill “emotional gaps”) could have a much harder time moving on compared to someone with a secure attachment style.
“‘Breakups activate the same neural pathways as physical pain,’ meaning that all-consuming, visceral heartache is very real.”
“Don’t measure your healing by how quickly you stop feeling pain,” Romanoff encourages. Healing is not linear, so she explains that it should instead “be measured in how consistently you choose yourself.” Some days will feel easy, others won’t, and that’s normal. Over time, you’ll realize that you’re actually OK on your own—and maybe even better off than you thought you’d be. But remember, you don’t need to rush the process.
READ: 6 Things I Wish I Could Have Told Myself Before My First Breakup
6 psychologist-backed ways to move on after a breakup
Let yourself feel your emotions
Repeat after me: It’s OK to not be OK. The most important part about healing through a tough breakup is letting yourself feel your emotions so you can process them. You don’t have to pretend you’re fine—because you’re probably not. “Healing after a breakup requires processing on both emotional and behavioral levels,” explains Romanoff. Let yourself feel that emotional loss without trying to numb or replace it with something else. This is why it can be so helpful to indulge in some self-care after a breakup. This might look like journaling about your feelings, taking a long bath, or even just having a good cry while you’re cuddled up on the couch with your best friend and some ice cream.
Set boundaries
Coping with heartbreak is never easy. It might feel impossible to stop thinking about your ex, and even more impossible to truly let go of them. That’s exactly why setting boundaries is so essential. You have to make clear, intentional choices for both your ex and your own habits. That means cutting off the behaviors that keep you stuck, such as looking at old photos, texts, or constantly checking their social media. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but those habits are exactly what keep reopening the wound. Over time, those boundaries will feel natural and will help you move on into future relationships.
Reinvest in your own life
It’s also important to start new, positive behaviors. Reinvesting in your new life without this person is crucial, according to Romanoff. This might look like creating new routines, focusing on other relationships, and building a stronger sense of self-purpose. “The core goal is to come back to yourself and what lights you up, not to get over the person,” says Romanoff. Start a hobby you’ve always wanted to try, or finally make the career change you’ve been thinking about.
“When a relationship ends, you’re given the chance to reconnect with who you are outside of it—your values, your needs, and your emotions.”
Go “no contact”
One well-known practice that helps the healing process is going “no contact” with your partner after a breakup. Dr. Romanoff says that she almost always recommends going no contact, at least in the beginning. (Unless you have an outlying circumstance that requires communication, such as work or children, of course). “No contact creates the space that a lot of people need to break the cycle of attachment (and at times dependence) to gain clarity and security on your own,” she explains. “This is an opportunity to redefine who you are on your own terms, and it can be a powerful moment of rebuilding, rather than defining yourself in relation to someone else’s world.”
READ: Is Going “No Contact” Really the Best Way to Move On? We Asked Experts
Rebuild your emotional foundation
Breakups are rarely easy, but they can be a powerful lesson in self-growth. When a relationship ends, you’re given the chance to reconnect with who you are outside of it—your values, your needs, and your emotions. Not only are you moving on, but you’re also intentionally rebuilding your emotional foundation. True growth comes from learning how to process the relationship with clarity rather than being stuck in endless cycles of sadness, regret, or anger. This helps you reach a place where your past no longer defines your present.
Understanding your patterns is an important part of rebuilding your emotional foundation. “You need to deepen your understanding of yourself when it comes to what traits in other people you’re drawn to (especially the unhealthy ones), what you tolerate, and where you suppress your needs for the other person,” says Romanoff. This is done through the process of re-examining your standards, boundaries, and communication in relationships. This might look like reflecting on your own through journaling, or even working with a therapist to evaluate your patterns.
Seek support
Breakups are hard enough—and going through it alone doesn’t make it any easier. Reaching out to friends or loved ones can give you a sense of comfort, a fresh perspective, and even help you feel more grounded through your recovery. Don’t let yourself bottle up all that emotional tension. Talk openly, whether it’s a late-night phone call, a walk with your best friend, or simply sitting with someone who listens without judgment. The people who care about you will remind you of your worth and help you see beyond the heartache and pain.
People often wonder when and if therapy is necessary after a breakup—but the answer is different for everyone. If you’re feeling stuck in repetitive thought patterns, are unable to move forward, or the breakup is impacting your daily functioning, Dr. Romanoff says therapy can be incredibly helpful. “It’s especially important if the relationship triggered deeper wounds around self-worth, abandonment, or attachment,” explains Romanoff. That being said, you don’t need any specific reason at all to start therapy. It’s all up to how you feel, and there’s always time to become the best version of yourself.
Mistakes to avoid when moving on after a breakup
We all make mistakes—I mean, we’re only human. But by understanding where people often go wrong in their healing journey, we are better suited to avoid the same pitfalls. According to Romanoff, one of the most common mistakes poeple make is trying to rush the process. Think: Jumping right into a new relationship or bypassing the grief by distracting ourselves with other things (like meaningless flings). Distracting yourself doesn’t give you a chance to work through the emotional loss properly, and those feelings don’t just go away on their own. Ignoring it might leave you worse off, with anxiety, anger, or a bubbling insecurity that will affect you long-term.
Romanoff explains that people also tend to romanticize the past and forget why it didn’t work, which keeps you stuck in a vicious cycle. This romanticization might look like fawning over romantic things your ex did for you, and consequently, completely ignoring underlying issues. Maybe they had poor communication, were micro-cheating, caused you to be a burned-out pursuer, or simply had differing values. It can be easy to ignore these things when you miss what was good about the relationship, but remember why the relationship wasn’t working in the first place.
Finally, being afraid of what your future will hold without them can hold you back from healing. It can be uncomfortable to let go, and the uncertainty of starting over can be terrifying to face. Romanoff explains that familiarity, even if it’s painful and ultimately not meant for you, can feel safer than the unknown. But the best thing you can do is take your healing one small moment at a time. Sooner or later, you’ll find your footing. Don’t let fear hold you back from a happy, healthy future.
Moving on isn’t easy. Here are more resources that can help guide you:
- How to Heal from a Breakup, According to Your Zodiac Sign
- What Dreams About Your Ex Really Mean, According to an Expert
- How to Know When You’re Ready to Start Dating Again After a Breakup
- How to Find Your Confidence After a Breakup
Jenna Piotrowicz, Editorial Assistant
Jenna began working as an Editorial Assistant for The Everygirl in 2024. With her eye for detail, she assists the team with content creation, sourcing products and images, and works behind the scenes to support The Everygirl in uploading and updating content.
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